How to be the ultimate Melbournian Godfather

2015.09.15_ralphbaby

Joe Cee | September 15, 2015

Joe is a proud Godfather of two and a shoe connoisseur focusing his efforts on luxury sneakers and British made shoes. His main achievements as a godfather include zero tantrum and wet pants incidents within the 3000 post code. He on the other hand has had many tantrums and wet pants incidents.
1. Realise what you’re getting into.
Understand that at any point in time there may be adoption papers that need to be signed. Shit is real. Invest in English made brogues and a navy bespoke suit.
1. Ensure that you create a strong respectable image in front of your Godchildren at ALL times.
You are not the fun sloppy uncle. But you are the incredibly well put together godfather who carries a baby bag in hand and switches it for a martini when the kids are asleep. Own that velvet smoking jacket.
1. Open a trust account in their name. But don’t brag about it. Ever.
That second shopping trip to Paris to pick up your customised Goyard steamer is now on hold. Sorry Korean Air Lines you’re just gonna have to wait.
1. Education.
Secretly put their names down for a select few private schools in Kew. Just for your own bragging rights. Convert religions if you have to. And if all else fails, blue dress and Monica Lewinsky. Think about it.
1. Discipline.
Be the disciplinarian you need to be. You’re going to look like a prick and a titeass. It’s going to be tough. But do you know what’s tough? Rick Owens jackets in blistered leather. Command their attention, because I’ll be damned if there’s any hair pulling and tantrum throwing on MY watch and on Collins St. of all places.
1.Day trip to the city after a big night out?
Keep your outfit minimally classic and practical but not sporty. Blazers and big aviators. Also remember that pram is an accessory. You wear it, it doesn’t wear you. You’ll have confused looks from parents in no time.
1. Outings must always contain one educational and/or cultural aspect.
Take them exhibitions or museums. Feed them babychinos and Max Brenners dark chocolate licks (less sugar). Introduce them to your friends as your new BFFLs. Also it never hurts to show them the difference between
Japanese and pretend Japanese; both the cuisine and non-Japanese Asians posing as Japanese.
1. Jealousy.
Not only is this acceptable it’s also expected. How dare someone else post photos of your godkids on Instagram. Back the fuck up. I bought that Baby Ralph Lauren AND I know how much you earn. Bitch remove that hashtag.
1. Ethical dilemma.
If you have a falling out with the parents, let it go. Wait till they’re 18. They won’t say no to moving into all that Hermes furnished apartment behind State Library that you put under their name.
1. Gratitude.
Any godfather who’s spent a weekend with his favourite stinky cheeky little person knows it consists of 4 hours sleep, a pitiful  attempt to maintain your social life, a diet of red bull and baby formula tainted Nandos chips (the container conveniently exploded), and the unending fear you’ll never be cool enough for them. But despite that, you have someone who’ll give you the warmest cuddles, make drawings of you, tells you ALL their secrets and cries hysterically when you leave. Buddy, you’ve got the best reason to live.
[ Credits: Words by Joe Cee, Illustration by me. ]
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