q u e e n o f t h e r o c o c o
hello oscars! is anyone else as excited as i am?
amy adams in oscar de la renta.
where be thine make-up, ms. adams? a little rouge or even some glittery eye shadow would have gone a long way. is it just me or do i feel like oscar de la renta has made the same gown in varying hues FOR THE PAST 10 YEARS?! adams looks like every other starlet who has worn his dresses to the oscars from the past decade. but there is something off about this one. lackluster even. like someone got bored halfway through sewing on all that tulle.
jessica chastain in armani privé.i have to give it to ms. boring-toes here – this is pretty good. i am over the the attempts to make nude colouring the way of the future. embrace colour! but i have a sneaking suspicion that the photo may not be capturing the intricate and dazzling beadwork on the dress. and this colouring is actually going well with her red hair. although i have to say that half-arsed attempt at waving is really lame.
jacki weaver in rana salam.
equally as lovely is jacki weaver. it is well-documented that weaver is actually ursula the sea witch from the little mermaid so it is good to see she has toned down her witchy ways (cue THATsong. am i right MC!) that colour is smashing, age appropriate and she is dressing like she can win even though we all know she won’t. you go weaver.
anne hathaway in prada.
and we have hathaway, who apparently decided that the best way to announce her entrance was with her nipples and saggy breasts. way to go hathaway. she looks hideous. i know the fashionistas want to love her cause she once starred in a film called ‘the devil wears prada’ (which actually wasn’t that fashion forward) but here in prada she looks like a box. a satin box. a tired satin box. a tired satin box with nipples and saggy breasts. someone get this girl a credible stylist because the stylist who is currently employed by hathaway clearly hates her.
as well as her stylist hating her, hathaway’s hairstylist also hates her. i mean, whoever they are they have given her justin bieber’s hair from two years ago.
charlize theron in dior haute couture.ok, what do we think of theorn’s hair? she has justin bieber’s hai circa now. again, this just looks like another bride’s dress. it is pretty but i wish she had some splash of colour so there was some interest. like a big ruby necklace. or some sparkly dangly earrings. or a giant feathered head dress made out of peacock feathers. yes, i think that last one would have been most appropriate.
jennifer lawrence in dior haute couture.when i worked in an up-scale bed linen boutique (which seems like a life time ago and reminded me that to be considered ‘up-scale- all you have to do is mark up your merchandise by about 1000%. seriously, we had sheets that were made for $30 and we were selling them for $170) we had some duvets that were pretty much made out of this fabric. and were basically the same colour. and i use to remake with them so i could lie down cause they were so comfortable. and that is all i can think of now when i see this dress.
reese witherspoon in louis vuitton.ok lovers of fashion: has witherspoon worn this dress before?? i feel like she has but the internet is saying that i am taking crazy pills. or maybe there is an evil doppleganger witherspoon out there that is attending the award ceremonies in past dresses. which reminds me that when i first moved to melbourne, i went to one of the cafés in the city and there was a barista there who looked exactly like me. and we both locked eyes and it was the weirdest feeling cause i knew EXACTLY what he was thinking. it was creepy. i wonder what happened to doppleganger sam. in my fantasies, i chased him out of melbourne on a horse, saying ‘this town ain’t big enough for the two of us!’ sadly that didn’t happen. and i don’t think this dress should have happened either as witherspoon has clearly mistaken underwear for outwear.
helen hunt in H&M.yes! one of many nemesis has made a mistake. not only is that cut terrible, the colour not quite (is it navy? is it dark purple? pick a colour confusing dress!) but hunt clearly forgot to iron it before going out.
naomi watts in armani privé.the part of me who is obsessed with sparkly things loves this. the part of me who hates weirdly shaped dresses and silly cut outs hates this. and because this is on watts (who recently told vainty fair that she doesn’t like staying at her los angeles home when the oscars are on because she doesn’t live there very often so THERE AREN’T ANY SERVANTS) we are going to hate it.
nicole kidman in l’wren scott. keith urban looking tanfastic.
ok kidman, you look amazing. for those who actually pay attention to my ramblings (which i don’t think any of you actually should, even i am aren’t that amused by the shit i talk) i have a serious love/hate relationship with kidman. i am baffled by how someone can go from being one of the greatest actress living (to die for, the hours, rabbit hole, dead calm) to someone who is unwatchable on screen (moulin rogue!, australia, birthday girl). but this dress is gorgeous and she is glowing here. if i own this i would wear it everywhere. the dentist! my evening stroll! the markets! well, probably not the markets cause like elaine from seinfeld, i don’t really enjoy going to the markets. but everywhere else for sure.
kristen stewart in naeem khan.girlfriend needs to run a comb through her hair. this is really gross but this gown looks like scabs that are in their final stage of the healing process. sorry for putting that image in your head. but you should never, NEVER turn that concept into a gown
helena bonham carter in vivenne westwood.in the same article in which watts told vainty fair that she doesn’t like living without servants, bonham carter said that the essential thing to bring to award ceremonies is candy. oh helena. truer words have never been spoken! this is silly and looks like she may have assembled it in the limo ride over but we really don’t expect anything else from her, do we?
sally field in valentino.so there was this moment in ‘lincoln’ when lincoln and mary come back from a party, and mary is getting undressed and she takes off her corset. her chemise starts to fall dangerously low and i was thinking ‘here we go! this what i came to lincoln for! HARDCORE NUDITY!’ but then the film cuts away before we see nipple. SPIELBERG, YOU ARE SUCH A PRUDE! (although to be fair, i can’t honestly say i was ready for a nude representation of mary lincoln). anyway, that silly anecdote has nothing to do with anything other than i think sally field is one hot mama and she looks smashing here.
jane fonda in versace.when i am 75, can i please look like this?
samantha barks in valentino.girl, its the oscars. and if i am not mistaken, it is your first oscars. go big or go home. FOR SHAME!!
jennifer garner in gucci.it was very considerate of jennifer to decorate her behind like that. from this angle it looks very pretty. but it also looks very tacked on and not organic. and boring too. i mean the colour is great but it seems very snoreish. but i do like the metallic, magenta shoes poking out.
salma hayek in alexander mcqueen.ooohhh. this seems so close but so far. it may just be the angle but with that hairstyle, her head seems gigantic. but i think the gown is nice. and she is certainly rocking it so props to her. but she still does look like she may have a big head.
for those who don’t know don’t know who this is, this is jacqueline durran and she just won best costume design for ‘anna karenina’. to which i say ‘splendid!’ those costumes were works of art, and she certainly worked hard for that oscar. well played jacqueline.
adele in jenny packham.i really like adele but with the exception of the grammies, hasn’t she worn this to every award show this season??!!
oliva munn in marchesa.it looks like i could have a lot of fun playing in the folds of that dress. lots of fun! but the bodice looks like a spider. which reminds me that i found a giant spider in my room this morning and tried to chase it out but failed so now i have to sleep in my housemate’s bed tonight. which means i also now hate this dress.
melissa mccarthy in david meister.so melissa normally rocks the red carpet, and picks gowns that she looks smashing in. NOT HERE! for one, that hair is downright frightening. she looks like she might be challenging weaver in the sea witch department. but the dress is super weird. it bunches in the wrong place and makes her look like a cube. and the fabric looks really, really cheap. not happening here.
zoe saldana in alexis mabille couture.i love, love, LOVE the bottom of this dress. dreamy. like floating on a white cloud that also doubles as a storm cloud. dreamy and bipolar. but the top part looks like she slashed one of her pillows and glued the feathers onto the gown. and are there two belts happening? seeing that the gown seems to be tailored into an inch of its life, i doubt that was necessary.
norah jones in tadashi shoji.i have absolutely no idea what norah jones is doing at the oscars. and there are too many stripes going on with this. stripes that are going in different directions. stripes that are making my eyes unfocus. stop it norah! my vision has now gone all wonky!
kristin chenowith in tony ward and kelly roland in donna karen atelier.i love how forced this photo looks. both of them look like they are unimpressed. and i don’t really like either of the gowns. but lovers of fashion, we need to talk about the donna karen revival that is happening at the moment. i am not ok with it! donna karen was shit in the 90s and she is shit now! avoid the karen! avoid her like the plague! also, i think i can see one of roland’s nipples …
amanda seyfried in alexander mcqueen.i wish this had been done in any other colour. what is supposed to be a striking dress is suddenly so bland and boring. although i will say amanda herself is looking very striking. i have never noticed before but she is a very pretty girl. and at least she isn’t moping around like she did for the majority of les misérables.
halle berry in versace.oh my god! more stripes! these are giving me the same headache that norah jones’ dress did but still not a fan. and again, WHERE IS HER MAKEUP??!! why are stars insisting on looking like they are not wearing makeup when we all know that they have worn a lot of make up to achieve that look?
renée zellweger in carolina herrera.zellweger has breasts. who knew?? according to the movie chicago she had pecs. i think i like this dress. it is a boring cut but a wonderful fabric. but zellweger, get your hair out of your face!! a little dignity please!
jennifer aniston in valentino.this is a lot of dress. and aniston annoys me a lot. so bland. seriously, do something to keep your man interested or be prepared to lose him! haha! zing! but this is classic valentino and that red does look good on her so we can’t complain. and she is holding a salavtore ferragamo clutch which justin theroux wore a matching salavtore ferragamo suit. maybe that is true love. which, if it is, good for them! see, don’t ever let it be said i don’t have a heart. now to wash this good cheer off my hands …
catherine zeta-jones in zuhair murad.now that is out there. it is very heavenly. i imagine this dress in a church. an gold lamé church. a church that is made out of tin foil. and something tells me that the dress might be scratchy to wear. but i love it. its very dramatic.
louise roe in monique lhuillier.i had never heard of louise roe. and after a wikipedia search, i still don’t know who she is. and this dress looks like she is bleeding from her neck. in a very decorative and floral motif. which is very considerate of her blood. if you zoom in, the red is actually heavily textured and quite complex. it will grow on me i am sure (decorative! pretty! tulle!) but it could do without the sleeves and neck line.
marcia gay harden in david meister.those sleeves are brutal. like louise roo’s bleeding neck, gay harden has bleeding arms, although this time the blood is sparkly. i can grow to love roe’s frock but not this. it is way to aggressive.
quenzhane wallis in amarni junior.all i can say is: bless. and if i met her in the flesh i would so steal that puppy hand bag.
emmanuelle riva. sadly, i couldn’t find out what she was wearing.emmanuelle riva is nominated for her fine work in her ‘amour’. and she is wearing a cape. a teal cape. power to her i say. she looks amazing. she looks like she may be one of those evil french woman that would rock up in a bikini and look better than everyone else. also, at 86, she is the oldest nominee for best actress.
its over! i am hoping at the after parties there are lots of drunk shenanigans. let the champagne flow! and might i say thanks for all the kind words and indulging my silly obsession with award shows. part of me is sad it is now over – i pretty much live to watch award shows. but you guys are the best audience ever! well played you(s)!
just reviewing the oscar fashion: it looks as though dresses with cut outs covered with illusion netting (à la marion cotillard) are out. yay! i hope that disgusting fashion trend has died in a ditch somewhere never to be revived!
– sam. queen of rococo
(all images found online)